When We Laughed at the Same Jokes

I knew he was the one on the first date. We went to this corny movie, and we laughed at all the same parts. Then, after we got out, he was, like, “Hey, do you want to see something really funny?” And I was, like, “Yes.” So he rolled up his sleeve and showed me this tattoo, on his arm, that said “11k.” And I’m, like, “Is that your salary? Ha ha.” And he’s, like, “No. That’s the number of Earth days our species has left, because we’ve raped this planet, and yet we go about our lives like we aren’t hurtling directly toward Hell.” And, while it wasn’t laugh-out-loud funny, I saw what he was getting at in terms of irony. We’ve been laughing ever since.

When He Was My Rock

My grandma had just died, and Mike was my rock. He was there for me when I cried; he was there for me when I couldn’t sleep. He was my best friend. Also, he was the only ninja skilled enough to avenge her murder.

When She Bounty-Hunted Me While I Was Trying to Bounty-Hunt Her

I’m a bounty hunter and my wife is, too, and we met trying to bounty-hunt each other. I’m unusually hot and so is she, and we instantly felt an intense physical connection. But, the thing was, I was being paid to bounty-hunt her. Anyway, our mutual hotness was extreme, and we had great chemistry, with lots of witty repartee. But the whole time I was, like, “Crap, I’m supposed to be bounty-hunting this woman.” I eventually straight up told her I was trying to bounty-hunt her, and then she came clean about bounty-hunting me, and we resolved it through sex. It was very hot, which I credit to the bounty-hunting.

When Our Dogs’ Leashes Got Tangled and We Stumbled Into an Erotic Embrace

Typically, when my dog’s leash gets tangled with someone else’s dog’s leash we stumble into an embrace that doesn’t really arouse me. But, one Sunday morning, I’m out walking Otis, and all of a sudden my leash gets tangled with this woman’s leash and we fall into a wildly erotic embrace. Honestly, the best way I can describe it is that tumbling onto the grass with her felt like coming home, like I’d been at sea my whole life and had finally reached the shore. And it sounds crazy, but we made love right then and there, in the dog run. Well, in a manner of speaking. Another way of putting it would be that one of us erupted quietly in our pants. And that person wasn’t her, and the dogs weren’t wearing pants.

When Her Cooking Sealed the Deal

It was when I tasted her cooking for the first time. I was at a potluck dinner, and everyone was raving about the lasagna. I tried it, and, seriously, the lasagna was out of this world. So I asked who’d made it, and someone pointed at this cute girl across the room, and I just blurted out, “I’m gonna marry you.” She laughed, and we started chatting. That’s when the men with the antlers broke down the door, tied us up, and threw us into the trucks. We drove for days. When we finally got to the compound, they broke us—hard. Drugs, lights, this crazy beeping that never stopped. It didn’t take long for me to crack. They forced me to be the stud. I mated with all the women. Never got to see their faces. I was forced to mount them and deposit my seed, and was then led back to my pen for fasting and prayer. Stephanie (lasagna gal) was being groomed to be Leader’s next wife. Long story short, I managed to hoard the meds they’d been feeding me to keep me docile, and once I felt alert enough I led a revolt to break us out of the compound. Blood rained down. We were merciless, and so were they. After all the hacking, pretty much everyone was dead, including Stephanie. But I would have married that girl. I mean, she must have simmered the sauce with wine or something.

When I First Laid Eyes on Her

Honestly, I knew the moment I saw her. And it wasn’t just because she was the lead surgeon in the operation to restore my vision, so hers was the first face I saw. No, it wasn’t the face. It was also the titties. ♦

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